We all know that the best way to deal with sexual harassment is to avoid it at all costs. Would this playbook be complete without quick actionable tips on how to prevent workplace sexual harassment? I think not.

Here is what you need to do to prevent sexual harassment. (And if you don't, it is your fault so stop complaining.)

Rethink your third drink. But also your first.

Don’t let your guard down! Drunk men can’t help themselves around drunk women. So it’s your job to stay aware. If you feel like getting drunk, do it at home with friends. Especially if alcohol makes you friendly. We all know that friendly women are easy women. You may say "no," but he'll assume it's a "yes".

Master the art of the resting bitch face

You can either be liked or respected. This is often true for leadership, but always true for women.

Friendly women are likeable. Women with a resting bitch face, they’re respectable. So you need to learn to turn of that smile in the office — but don’t forget to turn it back on in the street because you’d be so pretty if you could only smile!

How does one do that, you ask?

Here is what you do:

Step 1: The opposite of love isn't hate, it is indifference. So start with your best poker face.

Step 2: Now lower your eyes just a little and let your mouth ease into a small frown. It shouldn't be perceptible. Your disappointment must be felt, not seen.

Step 3: Hold this look for a few seconds until after the person has stopped talking. This will make them nervous. They won't know what to say or how to react. This can be really uncomfortable, but you have to stay strong!

<aside> 💡 TIPS:

1. This look works great with slicked back hair and rectangular glasses.
2. Dark lipstick really drives the message home. But don’t forget that Jordan Peterson* did say that wearing  lipstick at work is “inviting an atmosphere of sexuality into the workplace”. So tread carefully.

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Wear a ring, pretend to be married

Even if you do the above, some men will still think that you’re just playing “hard to get”. So it could help to make it clear that there is nothing “to get”. Wear a ring. Pretend to be married. They’ll take you more seriously as well. But if you’re not comfortable with that, create (maybe hire?) a fake boyfriend: They don’t have to exist. It could be a long distance relationship. If you’re young, that’ll be an easier sell than being married.

Only join companies that "care deeply" about women

When you are looking for a job, make sure to only pick a company that goes on and on and on about how important women are to them. Bonus points if their rally cry is "people experience". It is important to ignore that they have literally never updated their sexual harassment policy and that their stellar people experience is largely gaslighting, underpaying everyone and stunting growth.

Footnotes

• Yes, yes I know, that's not what he meant. Doesn't mean it isn't an absurd thing to say.

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