In this part of the playbook, we discuss how to conduct an enquiry into a sexual harassment allegation.

It is not your job to know or follow the rules

You have no obligation to know the rules. And besides, rules are for losers. Only a true nerd who cares about people would bother reading the law. Especially when it is their job to have read the law.

In fact, each committee needs to have at least 2 people who are untrained and ill equipped to deal with a sexual harassment complaint.

Reply when you feel like it, if you feel like it

Time is a construct. On time is early and late is on time. So do take your own sweet time to conduct an enquiry, obviously keep everyone out of the loop while you decide to halt investigations for a month and don’t bother replying to constant pleas to follow the rules.

A slap on the wrist is all the punishment that is required

While conducting an enquiry, your job is to make sure that the abuser’s life is made easier. So even if they lose their current job, it should be super easy for them to get their next job. This means that even if they are found guilty on 10 counts — ranging from severe to moderate assault — they do not have to be fired. Instead, they can resign, you can choose to never disclose this information to their next employer and pretend like nothing was ever wrong.

When you do choose to submit the verdict, make sure to get many things wrong

Let there be typos, let the email be insensitive and for fucks sake please make sure to get a few verdicts wrong. For example, instead of saying that the company owes therapy costs for the duration of distress, make sure it is only for the last 2 months of distress.

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